Who gives a fuck about an oxford comma?

I remember my first day of school.

My mom got me up and put me in my dress that matched my older sister's. I had a full breakfast and we took the obligatory pictures, smiling and super excited about going to kindergarten. We got in the car and started the drive to the elementary school.

And there were no crossing guards.

And no kids walking to school.

And no traffic.

And no cars in the parking lot.

Turns out it was the day before the first day of school.

My first day of middle school my mom's car wouldn't start so the neighbor dropped me off. I was super late for my first day of high school for some reason I can't remember.

The Joey's first day of school wasn't like any of that. We took him into the school and he never gave us another glance. There was another kid crying and The Husband and I thought the same thing (we found out later): he's going to think there's something to be scared of, so let's not make a big deal out of goodbyes. Which turned out to be fine because The Joey started talking with his teacher and got in line and never looked at us again. I looked at the teacher and said "Is that it?!" and she said "Well, I guess so!" We went into the room and dropped off his school supplies and the line started to move. There were other parents in the room and we all kinda followed them out. Then The Husband and I went to find the nurse's office to drop off his updated shot record minus the absurd chickenpox vaccine (more on that another time) and we kept running into The Joey and his class! We'd hide behind corners so he wouldn't know we were still there... not that he would have noticed. He was totally in his own world, so happy to be at school.

Two words summed up yesterday, at a level I didn't know I could reach: so proud.

Look at me, look at me, Hands in the air like it's good to be

Slacker slacker slacker! I wear my title proudly. It's not like I haven't been doing things - I've been doing TONS of things. That's just the problem....

The Husband and I have reached a critical point in this pregnancy. I like to call it "Yeah... but how did it get in there?" Because that's the question Joey seems intent on getting an answer to. We tried to sugar-coat it with "Well, it takes a little bit of Mommy and a little bit of Daddy and a whole lot of love," only to be answered with a pause and "Yeah... but how did it get in there?" So we try again, with "Well, Mommy and Daddy love each other a whole lot and we love you a whole lot so we decided to have another baby," - "Yeah... but how did it get in there?" So I have no idea what to tell a four year old about sex and any book I could find at Barnes & Noble would probably make me giggle so we're just kind of not answering him for now. The Husband says he wants to wait until The Joey can be fully embarassed by the answer to the question. I plan on waiting until he's old enough to be truthful with.

So I guess I'll work backwards from here on out because honestly, I can remember what I did this week but not really what I did last week.

I am in the middle of an embroidery marathon. I can't stop, and I really shouldn't. Because I am the smartest person in the world, I decided to make a gift for a friend's baby shower but didn't really assess the project as a whole and there's a hell of a lot of embroidery to be done by the end of next week. Since she's probably reading this (hey Lauren!) I won't go into detail as to what it is but I can tell you I'm very happy to do it because I love this girl to death and am so happy for her and her husband and their baby girl. And I'm not even being facetious - I really mean it!

We also ordered our tickets to the circus next week! And I actually found badass seats for a badass price! See, The Husband brought home a flier from his work advertising 25% off ticket prices. So upon deeper research it was impossible to find good seats with the discount. So I remembered looking at the website last year when we thought we wanted to go and finding a military discount... for 50% off ticket prices!!! So then I went to the Ticketmaster website and looked for the best seats for every day the circus is in town. We wound up with center ring seats in the first row of the balcony for $7.50 a ticket! What we've found out about the whole circus thing is that The Husband and I are more excited about going to the circus than The Joey. I'm sure, though, that once we pay for parking and cotton candy and a glow wand and a souvenir cup The Joey will be more excited to be at the circus than we are.

Tuesday I ordered this (thanks Lauren!) for The Joey's Robot Room. and it said it would take 3-5 business days to arrive. So imagine my surprise when I saw the man in brown drop a big box on my doorstep and drive away yesterday afternoon... it was the sheets! We had an awesome time looking at the robots and talking about getting a new Big Brother Bed and then when the novelty was gone The Husband and I discussed putting a waterproof mattress pad on the Big Brother Bed. I wonder why they call it waterproof... everyone really knows it's being peeproof that really matters.

I got to spend last Sunday with The Doctor, and we had a blast. Luckily she works REALLY early in the morning so we get tired about the same time in the afternoon, so I wasn't out too late. We went to see "The Proposal" and were greatly surprised that we enjoyed it so much. I thought it was going to be your typical formulaic romantic comedy and while there were some of those elements to it, the greater proportion turned out to be hilarious and awesome. Then we went in search of pregnancy church clothes and athletic shoes... not to be worn together, of course. In between there we got some beyond-yummy-lunch that made the parasite very very happy. It was spicy!

I have no idea what else has happened since I last posted. All I can think about is embroidery. Someday I will be sane again....

Take the money and run

Of all the times for my doctor's office to be running late, why must it be on the day I intentionally drank copious amounts of water to ensure I coyld provide a sample? When I was here last they were running on time and I had peed the hour before my appointment and I couldn't, well... perform. So I haven't gone since about 1:30 this afternoon and I drank extra water and it's almost 4 and I'm going bonkers. Luckily there is no one else in the waiting room but the staff are about to see the best damned potty dance EVER.

I bounced this idea off The Big earlier today, and I think I want to try my hand at selling my crafts. It's not much but I do so love the time I spend in front of my easel or at my art table, not to mention the zen state I achieve with a needle in my hand. [Oh my god my insides are going to fucking burst] At this point I have a list of about 10 things I know I can make and 1 or 2 that look really pretty in my head. [Sweet relief!] The list basically consists of things I would gladly make for myself (or already have) and those would just act as samples. I would gladly provide room for customizing in order to ensure maximum customer satisfaction, or one could just order items as shown. I'm kind of excited - not only could this potentally bring in some extra money, but it's something I really enjoy doing!

Right now it's all still an idea, but luckily I've remembered to take photographs of some of the better projects I've done.

I think I'll toast to success and prosperity with my next glass of water. Join me, won't you?

You can't sing But you still put me to sleep

At this moment I am alone in my house. Kind of. After 16 or so days of +100 degree weather, it is 1:30 pm and 86 degrees outside. Nice, huh? Well, it is for Texas in July anyway. SOOOO... I put sunscreen and bug spray on the kid and sent him and Izzy the Babysitter Dog out to play. I opened up the backdoor and opened the window in my art room overlooking the backyard. So I am painting (right now - waiting for paint to dry), keeping an eye on the kid in the fort out back, and watching "7th Heaven". Life couldn't get any better.

Every night we put The Joey to bed and every night 3 minutes after we've closed the door he calls for us because he swears he saw a monster. So we devised a story about why there are no monsters in the house. So The Joey knows we brought Izzy home from a shelter a long time ago. But what he didn't know... was that before Izzy was at the shelter she was a super dog monster hunter. And whenever there is a monster close, Izzy the Monster Hunter will spring into action and eat the monster up.

Amazingly, it works.

And my paint is dry.

Who knows, not me, I never lost control

So I had a conversation with The Husband last night about something that has bothered me for the past, oh, 10 years or so. And just let me preface this with a short story. Way back when - when the Husband was just That Guy I Want to Ask Me Out - and I learned that he was in the Air Force I had a conversation with my mother (I know; go fig). I was anti-all things Republican and conservative (still am) but I confused military personnel with military action. And she said that if I really liked this guy (still do) that I would have to learn to reconcile the fact that he's military with my strong oppositional views towards the things he's ordered to do, not asked to do. That being said, five years later I am a very proud military wife and support The Husband in his career. I also still drive the Obama-mobile on base....

Anyway, over the 4th of July holiday weekend all I kept hearing was to remember the troops fighting for our freedom overseas, remember the troops away from home protecting our rights, etc. After the 10 o'clock news I finally couldn't take it anymore and wanted to talk to The Husband to get his opinion and find out if what I thought was more my extreme leftist opinion than anything else. To my great surprise, he actually agreed with me: neither of us think it's correct to say that the military fights for our freedom or to protect our rights. The Husband says he can reconcile what people say over and over with the fact that the military fights for someone's freedom, and to protect someone's rights. But he said let's call a spade a spade and say "The military is in Afghanistan fighting terrorists." That's it. We don't discuss Iraq because the conversation ends with me losing it and going out on tangents and The Husband saying "I know! I know! I agree with you - why are you yelling at me?!" But I digress. The faction we are fighting in Afghanistan wants to kill us, not take away our rights or our freedom. Granted, I don't know everything, but I don't really think that the whole master plot of the attack on Pearl Harbor and the attacks of 2001 and the thwarted alleged attacks since were to invade the U.S., overthrow the government and remove all rights, privileges and freedoms actually fought for during the American Revolution. That's right people. I paid attention during American History....

For someone who gets labeled a socialist every four years or so, I sure do dislike nationalistic propaganda messages.

Don't break the heart that needs you

I may or may not have field mouse guts on my tires. I refuse to look. I'm almost halfway through The Bank Trip From Hell (it involves a 2 hour drive - one way) and I just want a nap. At least The Joey took one, although now he's bugging me every two minutes that he's hungry. Geez... kids are such babies.

Please belive me I'll never do you no harm

As if getting started on The Robot Room, planning the rearranging furniture throughout the house, thinking about having a garage sale, sewing a baby blanket and growing a baby were not enough... I got out some directions I printed ages ago about how to recover a couch. I don't know if this is nesting or just me going off the deep end but I feel the need to bury myself in so much craft crap I won't ever be able to finish. If only I could get paid to do this stuff....

Note that "planning" and "thinking" aren't actually things I'm acting on, but sometimes I feel like our household's personal think tank - I don't even bring things up to The Husband until I've gone through all the logistics and contingencies. Then he comes in to do the heavy lifting. I tell him he's the muscle of our little operation, and he tells me I'm the brains.

At least I know that I will never be bored during our forever together. Last night I made mention of the doctor's appointment I have this afternoon. I told him a month a go and several times since it's come up in casual conversation that we will be hearing the baby's heartbeat today and I wanted him and the Joey to come to the appointment with me so we could all hear it together. Well as we were brushing our teeth before bed last night The Husband makes some side comment about staying home with the Joey while I go to the doctor and I just about lose my glue, going on about how I've already told him about this important appointment and if he isn't going to be involved with the things going on in this pregnancy I don't want him to come and I'll bring the Joey by myself and he can just stay at work for all I care. So he gets me calmed down a little by admitting he can't help stupid and he should have remembered what was going on. So then he says, "I know what's going on" and I say "Oh really? What's going on?" thinking he was going to say something like "I forgot what you said a month ago and I'm really sorry." No - he says "I'm getting in trouble!" and I guess my face must have shot up into flames like you see in cartoons because his eyes got really big and he stammered "Word vomit! That's not what I meant to say! I couldn't stop myself!" And I burst out laughing. The combination of his face and the fact that I really believe him when he says he can't stop himself sometimes just equals that I can't ever stay mad at him. What can I say? I love that man....

I can't decide what to do this July 4th weekend. I'd like to go out and see some fireworks or something but I don't think that's going to be possible without boiling the baby. I also thought about us making the trip up North to the lake and the boat but I remembered the last time we were up there a few weeks ago and I was just plain miserable. The boat wouldn't stop moving! And yes, I do know that's kind of what they do but if you were in my position that day you wouldn't care either.

During a conversation with The Doctor last weekend I revealed a secret wish of mine. I want to be sent away for a long weekend to somewhere with spa packages. I walk in and they have a room ready for me. The specific spa package has already been chosen for me and the only decisions I have to make for the entire weekend is what I'm going to order off the room service menu - everything is already paid for. I can walk into my room and turn off my cell phone, there is no computer and I can turn off the ringer on the landline in the room. There's a huge soaking tub in front of a picture window with a view of a valley or mountains or the beach - anything so I can get lost in a bathtub my whole body can fit into. No one bothers me and I can sleep as late as I want, get hot stone massages and watch movies alone. Nice dream, huh?

I like to replay this little fantasy of mine on the rare occasion I get to take a bubble bath here at home. The last time was last week - can't remember the time before. But my bathtub is too small (my upper arms don't even get damp in our standard-sized bathtub/shower combo) and WWIII was going on downstairs, something about The Joey not cleaning up his toys and The Husband got angry because The Joey never does anything he says but everything I say. Peaceful relaxing bubble bath, right? So the dream was shot and I gave up and played Switzerland until The Joey started crying because he got scared at The Husband's "angry voices" and then I was all U.S. on The Husband (like that metaphor?) until he relented and The United Nations was formed.

Wait a second... either I took that metaphor too far or I just really confused myself. No matter - cardio!